Drug company finds cure for Attention Surplus Disorder

28 October 2014
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(ACPA-Washington, DC) Does your boss regularly compliment you for meeting deadlines? Do loved ones express delight every time you remember another birthday, anniversary or special occasion? Are you organized? Are you planning to upgrade your sedan to a BMW? If you find yourself answering YES to these questions, you might be suffering from ASD, Attention Surplus Disorder.

by David Richfield This file is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 3.0. wikipedia ASD, a new disorder, was recently discovered by researchers at the drug company Novartis. "We were doing ADHD drug research," explained Frank Denton, Head of Marketing, "and we discovered that for every patient who suffered from ADHD, there are four others suffering from ASD."

Take the case of Sara Johnston, 26, of Pleasanton, California. "I was always an A-student and I graduated with a 3.9 GPA. I've had two promotions in my first eighteen months at Oracle. I thought it was focus and dedication that got me there, but instead all this time I was sick!! I had no idea, I'm going on medication right away."

Joyce Rifkin of Overland Park, Kansas, said she was going to get a prescription for her twin teenage boys Josh and Ryan. They have been excelling in sports and studies at Blue Valley West High and appear to have many of the symptoms of ASD. "My boys are doing so well and if they need extra medication, I'm going to get it for them. They need every advantage they can get."

A drug company salesman said, "Many adults have struggled for years with untreated ASD. They tried to treat individual symptoms, like calmness, equanimity and living in the suburbs, but these don't respond to standard medicines."

Fortunately, pharmaceutical giant Novartis has a new drug that treats ASD. "Doctors recommend that you should take two pills in the morning and one in the evening. More if your symptoms are severe," explained Head of Sales, John Hunt. "Side effects include missed deadlines, impulsive behavior, disorganization, procrastination and forgetfulness. If these symptoms become severe, you need to start a course of Ritalin."

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