Humour (7)

Humour

 

Dedicated to the wonderful, peaceful and comforting memory of my beloved late Dad, Mr. Godwin Luzongo Kalaluka, and to the glorious works of professional and parental teaching of his surviving wife and our mother, Mrs. Theresa Nasilele Kalaluka.

These have proven to be great teachers with the passage of time, professionally and otherwise.

Love you Mum!
==============================

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY BEING A TEACHER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
(Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)
_____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I love this child.)
_____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir; It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
______________________________
PASS THIS AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

For immediate release: Taoiseach Shock

(ACPA-Dublin) Irish Prime Minister, Bertie Ahern, has announced that he will resign and move to Zimbabwe to take up the position soon to be vacated by President Robert Mugabe.

bertie heads for harare Angrily denying that the move to Zimbabwe is related to the lack of an extradition treaty between the two countries, he stated that he was simply "tired of the rain and cold weather in Ireland, it's a tribulation to live here really."

He then proudly noted that he had helped take the Irish Banana Republic and turn it into a modern country adding, "hopefully I can do the same in Zimbabwe."

Confident in his ability to get the President's job, he stated that "it shouldn't take much to get elected down there, and I have just discovered some extra cash so that should be enough to secure the new job."

In a magnanimous move, Ahern stated he intended to fulfill a previous commitment to speak to the joint US Houses of Congress in late April before his resignation is formalized.

"Its rather embarrassing to go to speak in such a poor country as my last political act," he said but he acknowledged that he cant overlook "those poor people without health care, a third world currency and a crazy man for leader."

"I hope to be able to give them some economic advice on how to get back on parity with both Euros and Zimbabwean Brownbacks. I might also be able to give some tips on handling Iraq although that place is a lot messier than anything I saw in Northern Ireland."

Zimbabweans expressed uncertainty over the move. "Who is this Bertie?" asked one street-vendor. "Is he the one from Sesame Street? I think he could make a fine leader here".

Original: http://www.satireandcomment.com/0408bertie.html

For Immediate release:Schwarzenegger Admits Starting Wildfires

(ACPA-Sacramento) Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted today that he was the cause of recent wildfires that wrought extensive damage to the exclusive Malibu area of Southern California. The Governor acknowledged that problems started when a future version of himself, in the form of a Version 2.4 T-Series Poly-Chromic Cyborg, traveled back in time to star in Terminator 4.

Arnold meets with relatives of John Connors, State of CA picture, believed to be in public domain in the US However, the arrival of his future self in a static ball of white electricity ignited a destructive fire North of Los Angeles. Later, an upgraded 2.5 model arrived with a mission to kill future-Arnold, but instead it inadvertently caused the Santiago fire that devastated Orange County.
I won't be back

The Cyborgs went on to cause multiple smaller fires as they raced frantically around Los Angeles in an attempt to kill each-other and people with the name John Connor. "I'm very sorry for all the damage that I have caused, I also want to apologize to all the recently demised John Connors."

"I want to assure the people of Kalifornia that I have declared Producer James Cameron an enemy of the State and will not allow him bring back future versions of myself anymore. I blame Hollywood really," he added in a nod to Conservative Republicans.

Friends of Gray Davis, the former Governor whom Schwarzenegger deposed in a recall election, say that California is now paying the price for electing a machine. Arnold supporters though were quick to remind everyone that compared to the Governator, Davis's gray demeanor was more machine-like and passionless. "Unlike Davis, Arnold is quite funny sometimes and that's not just by Austrian standards," claimed one supporter.
Back to the Future?

In a side note, Schwarzenegger also took the opportunity to deny that his future selves are attempting to go back to 1788 to prevent the US Constitutional ban on foreign born Presidents from ever being written.

Hopes that he might use that opportunity to insert a ban on Texans becoming President were dashed when scholars pointed out that Texas was not part of the Union in 1788.

Original: http://www.satireandcomment.com/1107arnold.html

(ACPA-Johannesburg) Tensions are rising in South Africa as groups of annoying footballers continue to disrupt the world vuvuzela meet-up and South African police seem incapable of acting to stop the crisis from escalating.

from wikipedia, credit - Dundas Football club Hoping to showcase South Africa as a center of world culture, the sub-Saharan nation offered to host a series of vuvuzela recitals at venues across the country. However, the dream has soured with soccer players taking advantage of the opportunity to practice shirt pulling, diving and dramatic acting.
It's an Instrument not an Interruption

Despite criticism from some intellectuals that it "sounds like a goat on the way to slaughter," the vuvuzela is loved for the simplicity of it's notation structures and easy breathing techniques.

"I spent ten years getting rapped on the knuckles by my bitch of a piano teacher," said John Haywood of Lincoln, UK. "But after all that practice, the most I ever achieved was a classroom recital where I murdered Bridge Over Troubled Waters. After four days with my vuvuzela, I'm playing at the international level. It's the common man's grand piano."

"I used to be second violin at the NY symphony," said Hal Frost of White Plains, New York. "Can you imagine how boring it is to be second fiddle all the time? As soon as I heard about Vuvuzela 2010, I bought my ticket."

So far the police have only managed to deport a bunch of French whiners whose interruptions of the music were particularly disturbing. But pressure for decisive action is growing with millions worldwide joining the Facebook group, "Ban football from vuvuzela events."

Meanwhile, Swedish scientist Lars Hallsberg of the Lund Science Academy has invented a TV image filtering device which allows viewers to screen out the football, while elevating the vuvuzela harmonics. "I just hope I can perfect it in time for Qatar2014."

Original: http://www.satireandcomment.com/0610vuvzela.html

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